And suddenly it’s okay for me to miss him. I allow myself to miss him. For the first time in months. I don’t miss him too much. Just a little bit. A hint. A drop. A taste. I’m trying ‘missing him’ on for size, to see if it suits me. I’ve spent so much time warring against my own emotions; I’m not really sure if I can be trusted to miss him. Or if I will fuck this all up all over again and ruin the even keel pace of my emotional life thus far. Can I miss him without destroying myself? Without ripping myself to pieces? Can I sit here calmly and steep in nostalgia for 5-10 minutes before returning to my regularly scheduled emotional programming? Or will I fucking explode. Only time will tell. If you see me tomorrow, and I am on fire, just know that it is missing him that has ruined me once again, but that’s okay, it’s no cause for alarm. Just let me burn into a heap of ashes. I will be whisked away by the wind and turned into sand, and then everything will be okay for me once again.
I’ve had enough of it, y’all. I’m so sick of dating straight queer men. I don’t even really understand what the point of being a straight queer is. No matter how many times my straight queer male friends and partners explain it to me, it just sounds like straight with a dash a queer struggle swagger jacking for a bit of extra pizzazz. For me, when I hear that a partner of mine is queer, I automatically suggest, ‘Oh, cool, so let’s find a third guy and let me watch him suck your dick’ or something along those lines. Cuz that’s queer, right? I’m down with queer sexuality. Let’s explore your queer sexuality! Let’s do some gay shit! That’s literally what you’re into, right? And I love the strange, so let’s ge weird! But, no, it’s always, ‘Why don’t we have an MFF?’ Boy, no. Let me tell you. I am a ‘straight’ tried and true, which means that I’m not interested in fucking other women (unless I am, in which case, I am still straight, but sometimes I’m down to fuck a woman). You being queer doesn’t mean that I’m interested in fucking other women.
Is this problematic? This is probably problematic. But I’m trying, you guys. Okay? If a partner tells me he’s queer, I assume that means he’s down to do some queer shit with me. I don’t understand queer men who want to tout their queerness but only want to do straight shit with me. What’s the point of telling me you have a sexual preference that I can’t participate in? That’s boring! Even worse – when they tell me they’r queer but they never do any queer stuff, period. Like, how you gonna be a homophobic queer straight man? Shit doesn’t make any sense to me.
“I just don’t know what your intentions are. Like, if you have my best interest at heart or if you have some sort of agenda.”
I’m texting with my quarantine boo, and I am really, really pissed off at him right now. Mostly because, um, excuse me, is he questioning my god damn intentions!? What the fuck! He’s acting like I’m some sort of snake woman who only has bad intentions in her heart. I mean, he’s right, I definitely only have bad intentions, although not necessarily for him, just in general. My entire personality is built on top of my bad intentions, so I figure that he’s started to pick up on some of my more malicious personality traits. Fuck. Did I lay it on too thick? Was I too much of myself? Should I have pretended to be nicer and more naive?
Ugh. My agenda. Huge eye roll. Who the fuck dares to say something like that to me, of all people. I’m the queen of agenda. Of course I want something out of him. Mostly because I’m cynical and understand the transactional nature of romantic relationships. But it’s not nearly as bad as he thinks it is. All I want is to be fucked right and told that I’m pretty. He probably thinks I’m a man eater, which I am, but I’m the good kind of man eater (I think) and not the one that is going to break his heart and take his money, which he honestly does even have enough of so why would I scheme to take a couple thou? He needs to *calm* *down.* Is this going to hurt? Why, yes, of course it’s going to hurt, human relationships by their very nature are hurtful. But I’m adept at the art of human relationships, so it’s not going to hurt any more than it has to. All he has to do is trust me. And once he trusts me, damn straight I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want. But, don’t worry, dear reader, he will have a good time, too.
I am looking for the answer to the question of, “Who will we be when all of this is over?” I’d like to know now if we’re going to be better because of it, but I doubt that we will because have you met us? We’re horrible. Everyone keeps telling me that nothing will be the same, but what will really change? We are all the same people we have always been. We will just exist under different circumstances. Perhaps some of us will find salvation in that. Or valiance. Others will perish beneath the mere concept of change. While others will grow fangs and claws where they didn’t know they had any, and they will take up the mantle of destroying all of this because no one else will. Me? I’m content with being myself at sea in the middle of the storm. If I die here, I will die being the most me I have ever been, and if I survive, I will not be surprised by the person I will become when I get back to dry land. Demon or angel, I have always been the person that I will be tomorrow, and I can also always be someone else.
I have released myself from the burden of caring for other people, or about other things, or about the world in general. I like it like this. I like freedom.
The streets are empty, and I am finally living the life I have always wanted to live. No one is here, in this beautiful city that they have built, except for me, on my own two feet, disappearing between buildings. It’s eerie, isn’t it, all the people with their faces pasted against the glass, peering out, at me, like I might be some kind of savior or rebel or demon for daring to be outside today.
I love it like this. The panic is palpable. I can see it in their faces, and it brings so much glee. To see all of us, teetering on the verge of something big yet so painfully inscrutable. Is there doom just around the corner? Or will we be punished with more of the same? Either way, it is excruciating, and sleep so soundly at night knowing that somewhere, someone is screaming. We are being faced with the flaws of this monstrosity we have built, and it is killing some of us. The only question is: is it killing the right people? Or, is it killing enough people?
I scutter around like a scion of death, unabashed by the sickness or its consequences because standing in the center of something that is collapsing in upon itself is a more exhilarating feeling than anything else I have ever felt before. Not because it will kill me, but because I will survive it, like a cockroach, as a beast in some other form. I am okay with being ugly in the world in whatever form it takes after all of this is over because I am okay with being ugly now. But there is no thrill in immortality when the world is a horrible place. All I can do is be horrible in it.
There’s nothing quite like having your entire life flipped upside down to elicit some really bizarre, new anxiety coping mechanisms. Seeing as I suddenly have tons of time on my hands, I’m not surprised that things are starting to get a bit weird. Sure, there are plenty of people who are using their newfound free time to ‘become a better person’ or whatever that means, but I rue the capitalist undertones of using my time to be ‘more productive’ or ‘find my value’ in a rapidly changing economy. Sure, I’ll probably start working on my novel again soon. Maybe look into online freelance writing because, fuck it. But that hasn’t happened yet because I’ve been spending all my free time trying to cope with my anxiety and the looming sense of doom and gloom. Which isn’t very exciting or sexy, but it’s gotta get done. I wonder what the long term effects of this will be on my mental health, which was never very fantastic to begin with. Sure, I get to work out every day, which is nice because my goal is to get cut the fuck up by the time I come out of quarantine, but I’ve also noticed that this, perhaps, is just a fun, new way that my body dysmorphia is presenting itself. Seeing as I’m having anxiety about going to the grocery store – since grocery stores are hella crowded, making them hotbeds for infection, and also my anxiety about my financial future has made reticent to spend money on absolutely anything – this is going hand in hand with my body dysmorphia, and I just don’t really eat that much anymore. It comes and goes, but it’s easy to just starve myself nowadays, something which I refer to as my newborn ‘coronarexia.’ So, that’s been cool. I haven’t been drinking up a storm like I thought I would, but who knows, these wild coping mechanisms are sure to mutate over time. I’m not at the point where I’m begging for any sort of attention on the Internet, but when that does happen I noticed that Chat Roulette is still an active website, so I’m gonna stick that one in my back pocket for the time being.
In the meantime, I would just like to state for the record that, no, I don’t plan on contributing to a society which is currently crumbling before my eyes, I just plan on being myself and doing the same shit that I always do, because I’m an actualized person so the things I care about now are the things that I have always cared about and will always care about: the people I love, writing shit, and beauty in every form. I’m not going to come out of this a changed person (that is, on an emotional level – on a physical level, I plan on being unrecognizably hot), I’m going to come out of this more myself.
There’s nothing quite like a pandemic to show you what people’s true priorities are.
My first pet peeve of this pandemic is all the posts that shame people aren’t sheltering in place. Yeah, I get it, these people are endangering themselves but more importantly they’re endangering others. However, this tone of shaming people isn’t really what we need right now. There are a lot of reasons why people aren’t sheltering in place right now. Some people might be less informed than others based on how they consume media. Things have been changing pretty rapidly, and keeping up has been pretty exhausting. Some people have unplugged because of all the doom and gloom, so perhaps not everyone has gotten the memo. Although, that does seem unlikely one week in, but seeing as we live in a country that foments a basic distrust of the media, it’s also highly likely that plenty of people think this is fake news. There are a lot of reports, statistics, anecdotes, scams, and fear mongering – of course it’s easy for people to think that this is an overreaction. Plenty of people believe it’s an overreaction as part of their coping mechanisms. Shelter in place can be traumatic for a lot of people in different situations, especially here in the Bay Area where income inequality is high, housing is expensive, and a ton of people just lost their jobs. A certain level of denial isn’t surprising, and expecting everyone to immediately adapt to shelter in place, a wild concept for which most of us have no precedent, was always going to be unrealistic. Because it’s easier for people to be in denial about what’s happening because then they can be in denial about the larger truth, namely that this might last for months. So many people don’t have the resources, emotional or financial, to plan for three months of unemployment. This shit’s fucking frightening. Sitting alone at home is going to force a lot of people to truly examine their life decisions, and if you’ve made bad life decisions then you probably don’t want to sit at home in stultifying social silence. Shelter in place is going to be detrimental to many people’s mental health in ways that we might not even know already. I’ve heard that people are still drinking a lot, just at home, alone. I’m not surprised to hear that people are still attending church, especially churches with older congregations, because the elderly can be socially isolated already, and church can be an essential part of their well being. Other people are panicking because their living situations aren’t ideal. Without public transportation or Lyft, some people do not have easy access to food, and even when they do get to the grocery stores they might be wiped clean. Some people are living in a house with an abusive partner, abusive roommate, or an otherwise hostile or unsafe environment. It’s not surprising to see people resorting to unsafe behavior in order to remedy these things. Because reports say that 80% of people will only have mild symptoms, some people aren’t afraid of getting it, which, yes, I know it’s selfish, it’s a horrible excuse. But many people are weighing their various needs against the framework of shelter in place and looking for ways to fulfill their needs within these swiftly shifting times. If you see someone endangering themselves or others, shaming them through vague posts on social media isn’t helpful for anyone’s morale. Be compassionate and have the conversation with people you care about.
Because if you have the privilege to be able to shelter in place, if you’re not facing dire financial consequences, if you have a nice home, if you’re there with people you love, if you’re not suffering from mental health issues, if you have access to food, if you know you’ll be able to make it three weeks or three months – lucky you. I just don’t want to hear about it. Say or do something helpful.
I deleted all my dating apps yesterday because, well, I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about dating during a pandemic. I found myself in the midst of my pandemic-panic, locked into my phone, looking at my messages on Hinge, when I realized: maybe I should just talk to people that I already know and care about. What am I going to do on Hinge – carry out a three week courtship with someone I swiped right on? And what would it look like to start dating someone new in times like this? Do you just start a relationship with a base note of global panic and take it from there? That sounds like a lot of weird, uncharted emotional labor to me – do you find someone with whom to have a mutual panic attack? Do you look for your doomsday prepper bae? Are people just on there pretending to be normal still? Are dating apps just a terrible echo chamber of amplified loneliness right now? What a way to truly get to know a person. And seeing as I’m terrified of getting to know people, maybe I should just hit the pause button right now. Which is fine by me. I’m definitely the type of person who goes on dating apps for the daily validation and not because I’m looking for dates. But seeing as I’m a huge fan of hook up culture, regardless of whether or not I participate in it, there’s a twinge of sadness in my heart knowing that hook up culture will fully disappear for at least a few weeks here. No more late night, bar crawl meet cutes. No more dating app hook ups. Are people still having casual sex? I mean, yeah, of course they are, duh, but now that everyone’s gotten serious about this whole ‘shelter in place’ and ‘social distancing’ thing, I’m curious as to how many casual relationships and fuck buddy situations had to go down the hard road of, ‘I don’t care enough about you to want to weather out this storm with you.’ Yeesh. Sure, there are still plenty of people who throw caution to the wind and are still doing whatever they want – that’s a pretty basic tenet of hook up culture. Hook up culture just attracts a certain type of person. Usually: incautious, lonely, antisocial people. So, for all my fellow members of hook up culture: dawg, I feel you, this shit sucks, but, don’t worry, we’ll be back at it soon enough. :*
Why, yes, of course I like watching the world fall apart! Living through the collapse of Western society has been a lifelong dream of mine, and now that dream is finally coming true!
Granted, it’s a lot less violent than I thought it would be. But, then again, this is just the beginning. This first few days have been the amuse-bouche of global panic as everyone around me tail spins into “What are we going to do about toilet paper?” Me? I’m gearing up for the fun stuff. You know what I’m talking about.
Dating at the beginning of the end of the world has likewise been interesting. My Hinge matches are drying up, probably because we’re all ‘social distancing’ nowadays. (No we’re not. It’s the East Bay. Oakland will forever be grimy as fuck, and seeing as this virus wreaks havoc on the old, this pandemic has become a cause célèbre of the younger generation. And I love a good reason to party, so, party on, Garth. Party on, Wayne.) Coronavirus is really wreaking havoc on hook up culture, which bums me out because despite the fact that I don’t actively participate in hook up culture on that level anymore, it was always comforting to know it was there. Kinda like driving by your middle school. No, I’m not going in, but I like the flood of memories and nostalgia for the good times I get every time I see it.
Granted, this pandemic is really thinning out the crowds out there. Everyone who’s at one of my favorite bars this weekend is definitely a self selected bug chaser and/or gift giver, which also means they’re all fucking freaks on some level because bug chasing/gift giving isn’t a new thing. That’s some post-AIDS epidemic shit. Far be it from me to parallel these two widely different virus outbreaks, but that is some next level “I don’t give a fuck” that came from a previous, more freakadelic generation. We straights can act like we’re being hardcore, but are we? Really? It’s not even in the same ball park. Although, one part of me wonders: is that hot? And am I really going to…nah. That’s between me and the next person I fuck.
Speaking of the next person I fuck, it’s probably going to be the same person I fuck because, well, there’s nothing quite like a quarantine to make you realize, “Yeah, I can Netflix and chill with this person for the next two months.” Which isn’t shade by any means, but, rather, just not my usual approach to dating. I was planning on doing what I always do when I date someone: hem and haw for 6-9 months about whether or not this is worth my time, then dump him for a month, then get back together, then dump him again, then get back together with him, and so on and so forth until both our resolve has dissipated into mutual bitterness and angst. However, given current circumstances, I’m going to have to recalibrate a few things. Who knows, maybe a good, old fashioned quarantine is just what I need in order to surmount my toxic dating habits. Doubt it, but who knows!
I just want someone who will hold my hand and cough into the world with me while we watch all of this burn to the ground. True romance.