Feminist In Fighting: The Female Dating Strategy Edition

Over the pandemic, I stumbled upon a subreddit entitled ‘Female Dating Strategy.’ First of all, I loved it. It was the vitriolic, catty, mean girls reaction to the current state of ‘liberal feminism versus Internet incels.’ It was the perfect concoction of misandry, misogyny and sex negativity to keep me thoroughly entertained for at least twenty minutes a day while I rolled around the Internet.

But, first, what is Female Dating Strategy? Some people liken it to women’s version of incels of Men Going Their Own Way. It’s a combination of female empowerment and regressive dating tips that categorizes men as either “Low Value Men” who have no money and can’t get their dicks hard and “High Value Men” who (you guessed it) have money and can get their dicks hard. Women are likewise categorized as either “Queens” who follow the FDS dogma or “pick mes” who bend over backwards to please their low value boyfriends. Some of the dating tips that FDS advocate are not putting out on the first date (or second, or third), insisting on dinner dates as a first date, and having men pay for everything. I’d say that FDS takes a pretty marriage-minded approach to dating. Their dogma also advocates against pornography, video games, sex workers, and every once in a while trans women. They’re ruthless in their skewering of low value men (honestly, that’s why I follow the subreddit because they go IN, and you know I love a good hanging in the town square).

Naturally, I gravitated towards this subreddit. What can I say – I love other people’s dating horror stories. And after having chalked up a few of my own, there was something very relatable about the conversations. Sure, there are plenty of things with which I disagree on this subreddit. Apparently, if a man suggests coffee for a first date, that’s a red flag. They’re super anti-porn and anti-sex worker, which is a bummer to me because clearly I love both those things. But FDS indulges my yen for feminist trauma porn, and they’re just so mean! However, omigod, they can be mean to women, too. Which is part of where the schism comes from: FDS loathes liberal feminists and, well, they’re the nexus of the backlash on hook up culture – something I advocated and participated in eagerly a few years ago. That’s fine – I enjoyed hook up culture while I was there, but I get that hook up culture wasn’t good for everyone. FDS claims to be the scion of modern feminism, and they’re trying to pry the mantle of feminism from liberal feminists’ hands.

The liberal feminists are not having it. They claim that FDS is just black pilled pseudo-feminism, with main points of contention being attitudes towards porn and sex. I didn’t realize how vitriolic the rivalry was until I got kicked out of r/askfeminists for merely talking about FDS. I don’t consider myself an adherent of FDS, just a fan. But I also resent liberal feminism, mostly because they let themselves get exploited by Hilary Clinton in the name of a failed election bid. Or, I guess what I’m saying is: I’m a feminist in no one’s eyes on the Internet. Which is fine by me. I’m not interested in pussy scented candles or girl bossing around town. Just, let me have my cancel culture and leave me alone. I’m thoroughly content with being problematic by myself on my couch. So what, the ideas that I advocated for are no longer trendy and have been twisted against me. That’s fine. I’ll survive. I just wanna watch hentai porn, read about Qanon and watch the financial news.

Back on My Bullshit: Porn Reborn

I started watching porn again. I hadn’t really been watching porn for the last three years, mostly because I lived in a house with thin walls and ground level windows that were easy for people to look into. Sure, I’m an exhibitionist, but there was something about living with a bunch of racist lesbians that was just a total boner killer. Normally, I’d love for my roommates to hear me masturbate, but those bitches were both basic and nosy, and I just wasn’t ready for all of that.

I guess there’s something to be said for the pandemic, too – it was a great opportunity for me to break a lot of my bad sexual habits and start over. Primarily, I decided I didn’t want to just fuck for fuck’s sake. Sex is fun, but fucking just out of habit, in this emotionally void yet compulsory way had lost its luster. So I took a break, doubled my anti-anxiety medication, and tried to be zen in my room while not spreading a deadly infectious disease.

Well, here I am. I’m on the other side of all of that bullshit now, living in my nice condo with a view and drinking strawberry smoothies every morning. I’m off the lexapro, which is cool but it has also made me both very weepy and very horny at every moment of the day. Which is cool after a year of sexual stasis, but, oh. My. God. I found myself on 4chan the other day for the first time in a long time, and in a matter of minutes I realized that I had been looking at hentai porn for hours. I felt like a little kid on Christmas – I totally forgot that I could watch animated fox impregnation porn with just the click of a button. Incest hentai. Tentacle porn. Holy shit. And, even better, now that I don’t have roommates: sound on, bitches!

That was two days ago, and I don’t know if I’m making up for lost time or what, but I cannot stop watching porn. It’s exhilarating. And what’s up with hentai? I was never into hentai back in the day. I was a BDSM lesbian porn kinda gal, but I guess things change, and now I’m really into watching cartoon porn. There’s something about people porn right now that just isn’t doing it for me. For one, American porn is just so…fake. I tried watching a people porn, and it was just like: these people clearly don’t wanna do their jobs. How am I gonna be watching porn and thinking about how these people are just phoning it in at work today? How American. Even the porn actors need a union these days, but I wasn’t trying to think about unionizing porn actors so they can get better health care or whatever – I was trynna jerk off. So, hentai it is.

So, long story short, I’m back on my freak shit, which honestly is kinda annoying because I liked feeling like an asexual asylum dweller during the pandemic. It was easy, comfortable, controlled. Now that things are reopening and I’m fully vaccinated – well, this is how I make stupid decisions. But it’s been a long time since I made a stupid decision, so wish me luck.

The History of Cancel Culture

Cancel culture is gay. I’m not sure if people know that, but it started in gay culture as a way to self-police and out rapists. This is purely anecdotal, and I don’t have any evidence apart from my rather hazy memories seeing this shit go around on Facebook. It’s a phenomenon of the Internet era, and the feminists picked it up from the gays before it went mainstream. Cancel culture was a way for marginalized communities to advocate for themselves and manage conflict without involving the police. Cancel culture used to be a good thing. I don’t know why people constantly feel the need to say “I do not believe in cancel culture,” like it’s some terrible thing. Sure, the ensuing online harassment campaigns can get out of hand. But online harassment campaigns are not a direct result of cancel culture – that’s troll farms and #gamergate. Digital armies are a tool, and everyone uses them. Sure, cancel culture is an inherently negative thing, but then again it only exists as a reaction to other inherently negative things such as a rape. Everybody loves to blame cancel culture for everything that’s wrong with the Internet: the mass hysteria, the false accusations, the group think. But, come on. That’s so overly simplistic. Sure, cancel culture is the modern version of a hanging in the town square. Everybody loves a spectacle. That’s just who we are as human beings. But this tip toe-ing around cancel culture – it doesn’t make any sense. Cancel culture existed in various iterations before the Internet – doesn’t anyone remember boycotts? Or black lists? Or planting bad PR? Or fucking law suits? People who don’t like cancel culture are the same ones who say boycotts don’t work. Boycotts don’t always work, but when they do work – well, then it’s powerful. Yes, there’s a lot of vitriol inherent in cancel culture, so I get that it isn’t for everybody. But for those of us who don’t mind doing the heavy lifting of cancellation – leave us the fuck alone! I just want to know who the rapists are so I can avoid them and my friends can avoid them. I like cancel culture because it’s a lot easier than duking it out at the bar. Now that shit was stressful. Sure, maybe cancel culture needs a bit of a rebrand – the conservatives are losing this shit with this ‘uncancel-able’ bullshit, and it’s becoming tacky. But regardless of what it’s called, cancel culture, boycotts, law suits – it’s a tool in the tool box. It’s the gun. Some people don’t know how to use it. Some people are just fucking scared of it. Some people will wind up shooting their best friend in the face just fucking around. Others will get caught trying to kill someone. But for those of us who know how to use it – well, it shoots bullets, and that’s a very useful tool if you know how to get away with murder.

Cancel Identity Politics!

Well, no, not really. I’m just frustrated with identity politics at the moment. Which I guess is ironic because I rode the coattails of identity politics pretty hard in the last few years. But, as with all things, good things must come to an end. Perhaps it’s seeing identity politics used as a branding strategy by pretty much every company that’s hawking anything from detox teas to astrology tarot decks to bad wine to mortgage loans. Maybe I’m just burnt out on it. Or maybe it’s that identity politics has been coopted by abusers and predators, and now I have to deal with the exhausting bullshit of navigating what it means when black, queer women or trans women are credibly accused of fraud, sexual abuse, and violence. Cool. This thing that I believed in has been ruined by capitalists and creeps, and it makes my skin crawl. All I wanted was for my friends to have good jobs where they got paid a lot of money and weren’t mistreated by their bosses. I wanted my friends to feel safe in public places. I wanted my friends to have access to resources to live their American Dream. It took us so fucking long to have our voices heard, for identity politics to gain credibility, and as soon as people said, “Okay, we’ll support black owned businesses” (and meant it!), the language got stolen, and…I am so tired. Now we have to come up with a new language to support marginalized people that also excludes the creeps and the capitalists that are always trend hopping behind us. It’s going to take forever! I think I’m too old to participate in that on a meaningful level, but, luckily, the next generation is coming up behind us, and they seem to have a lot of energy and good ideas, so have at it, kids.

Awesome Auntie

I’ve reached the age where people like to ask if I have kids or if I’m planning to have kids. First of all, none of your god damn business. Second of all, yes, I have kids. I have 14 kids. Now, I know what you’re thinking – that’s a lie! Well, actually it’s not. Legally, I have 14 descendants. Of course, that’s the legal definition, and the legal definition also differentiates between ‘linear’ and ‘collateral’ descendants. A linear descendant is defined as a son or daughter. A collateral descendant is defined as a nephew or niece. So, yeah, I have 14 collateral descendants. And seeing as synonyms for descendants include ‘progeny,’ ‘children,’ and ‘kids,’ then, fuck yeah, I have 14 kids. Because fuck if I’m going to have my accomplishments as auntie discounted just because I’m too lazy to follow through with pregnancy. I’m there for my kids. I have an impact on their lives, their personalities, their futures. And just because society is too obsessed with the concept of parenthood to honor that doesn’t mean that I’m going to let it slide. So, yes, I have kids, stop bothering me about it!

Stop Asian Hate Part 2

“I don’t know if it will be safe for me to walk around. Y’know, because of the Asian stuff.”

I’m talking to my visibly Asian friend about her new downtown digs when that line stops me in my tracks.

“What? You’re not the type of person who gets attacked. They’re attacking old people and immigrants. People who clearly carry cash. People who don’t speak the language. I can’t even remember the last time I saw you touch a dollar bill.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Damn straight I’m right! If anything, she should be worried about walking around downtown because she’s a woman. That’s nothing new. We know about this. But the new fear of being Asian in public? That didn’t come from any recent experience she’s had – it came from the fear mongering on the news. Claiming it as our experience detracts from the people who do have to deal with that on a daily basis.

Consent

Here’s something that we don’t talk about that I wish we would talk about: drunk men who initiate sex. In feminist circles, we all know that it is 100% not okay for a man to have sex with a drunk woman. He should say no, even if she’s consenting, because it’s such a gray area. But what about the men? What about men who are drunk and still want to fuck? I’ve been in this situation before. I’ve even been sober while a drunk man initiates sex. And I haven’t said no, sometimes because I was down to fuck, and sometimes because I was too scared to say no. I was scared because, well, a drunk man can be a frightening sight. I honestly can’t imagine saying, “You’re too drunk to have sex with me” to a man without risking the possibility of a verbally and perhaps even physically violent fight. But I should imagine being able to say that. Because I appreciated it when men said that to me – so why wouldn’t they want to hear it? In that situation, it’s not like I would be saying no because I didn’t want to have sex. I’d be saying no because it’s a moral gray area and I want to respect his sexual security. I think it would be cool if women set the precedent of, “We’re not doing this when you’re drunk.” I just never realized that was something I could do. But I can do anything, so I should do this.

#StopAsianHate

I cannot stand this hashtag. I understand and support the sentiment behind it, but for some reason I find this hashtag to be alienating and uncomfortable. Probably because where I live, and as someone who is part Asian, I was unaware of ‘Asian hate.’ So, if anything, this hashtag has made me aware of the fact that I’ve been hated on for being Asian this whole time. It also acts as a weird dog whistle to white people – I bet they didn’t know that they hated Asian people until they saw this hashtag. It’s almost as though giving it a name gives it more life, more validity, more force. I just don’t want to see ‘hate’ and ‘Asians’ in the same line – the subliminal implications associate Asian and hatred in the same line, even though the hashtag purports to stop that. It’s counterproductive. I don’t like it. Is this how black people feel about white people waving around BLM flags? Because part of me is just like, “Huh? What? What are these white people talking about today?” Way to remind me that I’m different from you. It feels so disingenuous. Like white people are saying, “Hey, I noticed that you’re Asian, and that’s okay!” Bitch, what?!

Secondly, I do not fuck with the media narrative of what’s happening. About a month ago, there were a slew of robberies in Oakland China Town. The media jumped on it, claiming that they were hate crimes. But the community saw through that divisive and harmful narrative. Yes, it is true that crime in China Town is on the rise, but crime is on the rise throughout Oakland. There were a confluence of factors beyond race that made China Town a target – mostly because you have a bunch of elderly people who don’t like to call the cops and can’t defend themselves walking around with fat wads of cash to buy groceries. The media here tried to paint it as some sort of black versus Asian dynamic, but what a fucking lie! In the Bay Area, the black and Asian communities get along pretty well.

Which is why I’m skeptical now about the national narrative. This is, as usual, a story about white supremacy. We should be talking about white entitlement and white violence against pretty much anyone who isn’t them.

The Asian community is being presented as a monolith with this hashtag – lumping in everyone from India to Korea and beyond. I have a Filipina background, and, oh, boy, let me tell you – there is a fuck ton of racism just within the Asian community. Which is another reason why I’m skeptical – take a moment to read up on the imperial history of Japan and what it did to Korea and the Philippines and beyond. There’s something about being lumped into the same super category as the people who raped my ancestors that makes me feel like…meh. Colorism is a thing in Asia, too.

On the other hand, I am also part Mexican, and I haven’t forgotten about the kids in cages at the border. Anti-Asian hate crimes are a serious problem, but it seems like the media only has room for one racist narrative at a time. It’s almost like Asians have to compete with Latinos have to compete with Black people have to compete with Middle Eastern people for media attention on their problems – racial suffering is only allowed so much air time. Which is also problematic! All these problems are linked, but instead of reporting on the cause [white people] they shove the spectacle of racial violence down our throat.

The Asian community has always experienced racism. Anti-Asian racism is unique in that so much of it is masquerading as love, or an appreciation of Eastern culture, or a fondness for anime, or yoga as a hobby, or white girls dressed Kawaii, or the fetishization of Asian women. This isn’t anti-blackness, which is a systemic problem designed to keep black people out of positions of power and wealth. This isn’t anti-Muslim, which conflates a certain type of person with terrorism. If anything, the Asian community has had the most success acclimating to a predominantly white society. But even with that, they have not been spared violence and racism. Perhaps there is no amount of assimilation or cultural exchange that can protect a community from white violence. The object lesson here is: the victims were never the problem. Being different was never the problem. Otherness isn’t inherently objectionable – it’s the people who take credit for building this society that baked everyday racism into every corner of its fabric. They’re the ones who are wrong.

So, I see your hashtag, and it irritates me, but hopefully we can engage in more meaningful discourse around race. And by ‘more meaningful’ I mean can somebody please make something happen? Hello? Is anyone with power out there?

The Condo

So, yeah, I’m buying a condo. Owning property has always been my dream – it’s what I have focused all my financial resources on, and it’s what I wanted to do with my money. It always felt like a ridiculous dream as a single woman in the Bay Area, but I’m doing it, and I guess that’s somewhat remarkable. But now that I’m doing it, there’s something about this whole process that is unexpected. Perhaps because I spent my 20s as an unrepentant renter, living in, frankly, pretty shitty living situations, slumming it, scraping by. Going from West Oakland scum bag to condo living bitch is a pretty big pivot, so of course this means that I’m dealing with a crisis of self. I realize that to people who don’t know me very well, I will just be a condo living bitch. And I’m not used to that. I’m used to being edgy, scummy, and a ne’er do well. I’m used to wearing that on my sleeve with my short skirts and loud music. But that’s changed, too – my skirts are slightly longer now, and I also listen to podcasts. Fuck! Is this who I am now? Is this who I always was? Was this transformation inevitable – was I always destined to become more boring and more cliche? Of course I am obsessed with other people’s judgments of me. I didn’t need shit from anybody! But now – well, I got some money from my family to do this. Have I lost my streak of independence? Am I just another trust fund kid? That decade of being drunk and irresponsible has no forbearance on who I am as a person anymore? Well, that’s convenient. I honestly can’t think of anything luckier than flirting with death and disaster for half my life and then coming out in my 30s as a well to do, respectable member of society. If y’all can forget, then I can, too. I’m just experiencing a few growing pains. I’m not quite sure how to be this new me. Honestly, I’m not sure how much I like it, or if I’ll stick with it very long. I guess being a 20-something scum bag was growing old, so it’s not that I want to be that person forever. It’s more that – well, the devil you know, right? Whatever. I’m going to have a blast reconstructing my personality yet again. Who will I be this year?

Ball Buster

I was recently talking to a woman whom I admire professionally, and in the midst of conversation, she referred to herself as a “ball buster.” That phrase made me stop in my tracks, mostly because we were in a normie, vanilla, professional setting, and also because (unlike all my friends in my personal life) this woman whom I admire wasn’t referring to her career as a dominatrix, or being misandrist, or making sexual innuendos in any way. This blew my mind. Sure, I think of myself as a man eater, but that title has always been relegated to my personal life. The idea that I could be a ball buster – at work?! And this is okay! Holy shit!

I am a woman filled with conflict. Yes, I’m a man eater in my free time, but it might surprise you (or, at least, it surprises me) that I am not a ball buster at work. I do not bring that big dick swinging energy to my professional life, mostly because I tried my hand at being a sex blogger – that shit got annoying as fuck. I got sick of men treating me like, well, a sex blogger. I wanted to be treated like a normal working girl. I didn’t want to carry the hang ups of hypersexuality into my professional life, so I assumed a professional persona that can, at times, be at odds with my true self. Mostly, I know that everyone likes a cute, fluffy girl with a smile on her face. People like a woman who isn’t threatening. They like someone over whom they can have power. They want a woman who will nod and smile and listen and never push the boundaries.

Well, fuck that! I don’t want to be that anymore! In fact, I’m disappointed in myself for not having the imagination to envision a version of myself, total bitch, in life, at work, and at play. Why did I think I had to be agreeable? I couldn’t ruffle any feathers? I can be a stone cold bitch and still get the job done. Oh, this is going to be fun. In the past, I panicked at the thought of having to enforce any type of rule or calling to collect. It didn’t feel ‘me.’ I was insecure about being disliked or dismissed. But, what the hell! I am so not that person! If she can do it, then so can I. Fuck it. I’m gonna make it happen. There will be consequences if I don’t make it happen.