I redownloaded Tinder out of sheer boredom/terror, you know, just to see what the fuck was out there. Let me tell you what is out there: the Great Pacific garbage patch. I’m shocked by the number middling attractive men who only know how to say ‘Hi’ or ‘hand waving emoji’ as an intro on a dating app. God, I’ve been off that thing for so long that I forgot that most people don’t know how to initiate a conversation with a stranger. I don’t really know how to respond to messages like ‘How’s your day going beautiful.’ Do I just say, ‘It’s good,’ and then move on. Or am I just completely out of touch with modern dating rituals? Granted, I put zero effort into starting conversations on this app because despite looking at it every day, I do think it’s beneath me. I’m just there to browse the merchandise. Granted, I thought I was walking into a Whole Foods of men, but turns out it’s the Grocery Outlet in Richmond, which is dirty and kinda scary. (Although, I’ll be honest, I’d shop at the Grocery Outlet in Richmond over Whole Foods every day of the week, but just humor me for this analogy.) Actually, no, don’t humor me for this analogy – the Grocery Outlet in Richmond is far superior to Whole Foods whether you’re buying food or using it as a comparison for men. Whole Foods is anodyne in its demand for ‘self care’ culture conformity and they mistreat their workers. Grocery Outlet, however, has great deals, and the last time I was there the cashier looked like a West Coast Meg Thee Stallion. Maybe I just miss being around people who can spit game, because this dating app bullshit is just so disappointing. At least I know when I go to Grocery Outlet that there’s a 50% chance that the things I buy will be terrible! However, when I got to Whole Foods, I know that there’s a 100% chance that I’ll be ripped off and contributing to class exploitation.
Anyway, all of this is just to say: I’d rather muse on the sociopolitical implications of one’s choice of grocery store than think for one second about my both boring and horrible experience of having been back on Tinder for three days. Somebody save me and tell me when the bars open again.