My cheap wedding dress from China came in the mail yesterday, and when I tried it on I felt like a fucking fool. Mostly because, what am I doing? All I did was buy a dress, and I made my friends plan out everything else. Neither I nor my feyonce put any effort into all of this, which might be telling. Mostly, it tells that I have supportive, Type A friends. Or something.
I’ve noticed recently that a lot of people are having kids nowadays. I’m not talking in a ‘I’m getting older, everyone’s doing it!’ kinda way. I’m talking about a ‘it seems like these people made it through pandemic together and decided the next logical step in their boring lives was to have a kid’ kinda way. I’m feeling very judge-y about it, perhaps because I’m jealous that I’m not so bored with my life and my relationship that I need to procreate in order to feel a sense of purpose or progress. Or perhaps I’m jealous because these people’s lives must be so god damn stable to be inviting such a chaos element into it. I mean, I guess this is what people do. It’s what the entire human race is based on: getting married, having kids. As someone who is doing one of those things, I probably shouldn’t judge, but, fuck it, I’m really good at judging so I’m going to do it anyway.
There’s not really any point to saying any of this. I’m just being observational and snide at the same time, which I know isn’t very interesting or revelatory. Oh, well. I’ll just be over here, sitting in my condo, saving money for Botox, and dieting myself into the dirt, as usual, looking at other people’s lives and patting myself on the back for being able to accomplish basic home care tasks such as caulking the sink. I think I’m just scared that all these life choices I’ve made recently are going to make me miserable in the long run, so it’s easy to look at other people’s life choices and decide from a distance that those choices will definitely make them more miserable than the life choices I’ve made. It’s just an anxiety coping mechanism. It doesn’t really harm anyone other than myself and the few other people I talk to.
All I know is – I better not get jilted at the altar. There is nothing in my relationship or my feyonce’s personality to indicate that there is even a remote possibility of this happening, yet it is the thing I think about most nowadays. In fact, I think about it so much that I’m starting to convince myself that in order to avoid being jilted I have to be the one to do the jilting. Which just goes to prove: I am the thing that scares me the most. Check back in one month to see if I hate married life. Until then, unedited and free flowing self loathing!