The Condo

So, yeah, I’m buying a condo. Owning property has always been my dream – it’s what I have focused all my financial resources on, and it’s what I wanted to do with my money. It always felt like a ridiculous dream as a single woman in the Bay Area, but I’m doing it, and I guess that’s somewhat remarkable. But now that I’m doing it, there’s something about this whole process that is unexpected. Perhaps because I spent my 20s as an unrepentant renter, living in, frankly, pretty shitty living situations, slumming it, scraping by. Going from West Oakland scum bag to condo living bitch is a pretty big pivot, so of course this means that I’m dealing with a crisis of self. I realize that to people who don’t know me very well, I will just be a condo living bitch. And I’m not used to that. I’m used to being edgy, scummy, and a ne’er do well. I’m used to wearing that on my sleeve with my short skirts and loud music. But that’s changed, too – my skirts are slightly longer now, and I also listen to podcasts. Fuck! Is this who I am now? Is this who I always was? Was this transformation inevitable – was I always destined to become more boring and more cliche? Of course I am obsessed with other people’s judgments of me. I didn’t need shit from anybody! But now – well, I got some money from my family to do this. Have I lost my streak of independence? Am I just another trust fund kid? That decade of being drunk and irresponsible has no forbearance on who I am as a person anymore? Well, that’s convenient. I honestly can’t think of anything luckier than flirting with death and disaster for half my life and then coming out in my 30s as a well to do, respectable member of society. If y’all can forget, then I can, too. I’m just experiencing a few growing pains. I’m not quite sure how to be this new me. Honestly, I’m not sure how much I like it, or if I’ll stick with it very long. I guess being a 20-something scum bag was growing old, so it’s not that I want to be that person forever. It’s more that – well, the devil you know, right? Whatever. I’m going to have a blast reconstructing my personality yet again. Who will I be this year?

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