Anxiety

Moment to moment, day to day. I have no idea what I’m doing now, or what I should be doing next, or why it is taking so long to finish the thing I am doing right now, which is applying foundation, after which I will apply blush, and then I will do my eyebrows, and then I will put on mascara, and then I will curl my hair, and by then I will be fucking dead because it is taking a million hours to do anything right now. I’m pushing through molasses, moment to moment, and everything is moving so slowly that by the time I am done doing what it is that I am doing I have forgotten what it is that I am supposed to do next. The room is spinning, but as of right now it is at a pleasant tilt-a-whirl, a vacation style dizzy. I don’t mind it too much, but then I remember that this is always what happens before I can’t stand up, and I can’t drive, and I can’t leave the house, so I should take care of this before it gets worse. Is it worse already? Also, what do I do to stop it from getting worse? Do I lie down and sleep all day or do I go outside and walk around? Oh, I’m supposed to take my medication. And, of course, for the life of me, cannot remember if I took it already! Should I take it again? Or should I just ride this one out. This is why I have a routine! This is why I stick to the routine! So that I can take it every morning and not be bothered with the nagging thoughts of did I or did I not take that medication already. Although, that’s the nature of anxiety – it disrupts every notion of routine and normalcy, and instead, I have been sitting here, applying foundation for twenty minutes, and I have no clue what comes next. I will probably just turn on the TV and not leave the house again today. Or tomorrow. Or for however long it takes for the fucking room to stop spinning.

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