I woke up with a lot on my mind this morning. Namely, I’ve been thinking about how men ask women, “Does putting a tampon in feel like sex?” Answer: no. But I have a similar question for men: Fellas, have you ever taken a shit that’s bigger than a dick? Fellas, do you get aroused by taking a shit? Did it feel good when you shit it out? Fellas, if you hold your big poops in for too long, does it turn you on? Fellas, are bowel movements gay? Have the men been lying about this the whole time! Does this explain why they’re always thinking about sex – they’re literally having it with their own shit every day? Perhaps there’s a solution to this. Much in the same way that conservative Christians don’t let their daughters wear tampons because they have to save it for their husbands, maybe we should put the men on a permanent laxative regimen. That way they’ll be freed from the daily p-spot stimulation, which is literally the devil./s