Sitting in Silence

I have no desire to add to the din of the moment, but the inertia of sitting here and stewing inside of everything that is happening right now is dizzying. Or, it’s not that I don’t want to say something, it’s that my voice isn’t needed here. I have nothing to contribute to TikTok praxis, no release to be had at the riots, no platform in which in my opinions matter more than someone else’s. I’m a grown up now, and as I have grown into this racist, sexist, capitalist society, I have become entrenched in its mores and indebted to the system. But fuck the system. I have always known that, even as I sink slowly into its clutches. This is a racist system, and as someone who has one iota of power and voice in the system, it is now my responsibility to use my voice in my tiny corner of the system to try to change it. Which is why I’m not going to protests with any regularity or fervor. I have been to protests. I know what they accomplish. Or, I know what they’re supposed to accomplish: convincing people like me that we should do something in our own backyards. So while everyone else is screaming, I am sitting in relative silence, although it’s not really silence. I just know that no one can hear me over everything else that is happening.

I’m trying to imagine a better society, one that is not racist and not sexist, but I can’t. I can’t imagine changing this society enough to a point where equality is achievable. This society is rotten to the core. It is corrupt. There are too many people here who have reaped the benefits of discrimination. I could never trust that this society could truly change. It would always feel like a ruse, a trap. In this society, we cannot fight for equality. This society is designed to be ruled by the person who fights hardest for their own supremacy, but whoever wins that fight will always be the villain. Equality cannot be found here. Equality was never supposed to be a part of this society. I have spent too much time in this society to believe that it can do anything other than lie to me. This society will tell me that I am equal, and then sneak behind my back and strip me of rights I didn’t know that I had in the first place. I am afraid that none of this will ever be enough. I am afraid that total destruction is the only answer. Perhaps this is why I prefer to be unheard. I fight like there is nothing left to be salvaged from this society. It is a hellish way to fight, and I hope that no one else has to fight like this anymore. I want to watch everyone else fix the system and succeed so that I can take my cynicism and waste away on my own time.

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