I’ve dated liars before. In fact, I willingly dated someone I knew to be a pathological lover .(I really, really loved him. Them.) It was a fascinating experience. Every time he told me something that I suspected may or may not be true, I forced myself into a zen-like state where I told myself that it didn’t matter if it were true or not. What mattered was what he was trying to communicate to me and why. If I could grasp that, then the truth of the situation would matter less and less.
As I continue to date around town (yes, even during a pandemic, lol), I find myself gripped yet again with the underlying fear that all these people are fucking lying to me. Granted, the things we fear in other people generally tend to be the worst things that we fear other people finding out about ourselves. Or, yeah, I’m a liar, too. Which is how I’ve managed to establish my rather unique communication system. If I’m trying to get someone to tell me the truth about themselves, I’ll rarely ask a yes or no question. It’s better to discern information anecdotally.
For example, one of my dating tips and tricks is to find out how a man feels about his mother. It’s generally a direct translation of how they feel about women and by extension how he’ll treat you. However, you can’t just say, “Tell me about your mother” point blank on a first date. I mean, you can, but it’s such an on the spot question and puts people on their guard. It’s much more interesting to learn about a person based on what they do or don’t say in anecdotal conversation. Which is why I always have elaborately premeditated anecdotes about every possible intimate detail of my life: exboyfriends, family, jobs, living situation. I edit out all the unsavory parts and fill it in with things that will make me look good. I’m not going to slip and fall into accidentally revealing myself if I don’t want to. Which is probably why I’m a 32 year old woman still dating; see my previous post about being dismissive avoidant if you’re interested in reading more.
Anyway, all of this is just to say that I’ve mastered the art of appearing to be vulnerable without every being vulnerable. Check back next week for more tips and tricks!