Good Bye, Quarantine Boyfriend #1

I had to break up with my quarantine boyfriend. I wish I were sad about it, but I’m not. Instead, I spent 30-45 minutes thinking about the relationship, and now I’m on to thinking about bigger and brighter things. I guess in a way it is a bit sad. I had been hoping that quarantine would just be a giant fuck fest, and that we would lie in bed for 7 weeks and fuck and eat strawberries or some other corny shit like that. But when it didn’t turn into a 24 hour fuck-a-thon, I realized: this is so not my speed.

What I love about break ups is: how can my account of what happened not be one sided? I aspire to be objective when it comes to looking at my break ups, but I’m designed to act my own best self interest. Just like you are, too. In my mind, I outstripped him sexually, intellectually and emotionally, and he started to deal with it by being withholding. Like that was the only way he could maintain power in the relationship. It was really disappointing because I’m a huge fan of uncomfortable vulnerability, but, then again, if you’re not prepared to be outshone by someone in every aspect of your life, how are you supposed to react? It takes someone who is really intelligent and in touch with their emotions to admit that someone might be smarter, hotter or more loving than they are. It takes an even smarter person to figure out how to deal with that in order to maintain a functional relationship. For me, it was another lesson in partner picking. Although, you’d think I would have learned by now: I can’t date people who don’t meet me on my level of intelligence, emotion and sexuality. It’s a recipe for disaster, especially because I’m a woman and men are conditioned to think that they’re supposed to be the dominant partner in a relationship.

Although, speaking of ‘dominant partner,’ it’s not like I didn’t give him the opportunity to be dominant. Y’all know what I’m talking about. This guy had the nerve to tell me that I was being (and this a direct quote) “a brat.” A brat!? Fucking duh, I’m a brat. I’m lifestyle! That’s my exact kink! But he acted like it was a bad thing. Which was so confusing! Like, hello, just spank me or some shit. Instead, he was just mean to me about it. Having my partner be mean to me is not a kink. Sure, he said some stuff that I will 100% cop to. He also called me an asshole. Yeah, I’m an asshole. It’s the cornerstone of my personality. I’m pretty upfront about being pushy, needy, demanding, selfish and high maintenance. So it’s not like he was blind sided by it. I was very displeased that he wanted me to eliminate one of the fundamental tenets of my personality. I literally can’t do that without sublimating my entire emotional core and personality. I’d much rather by myself, alone, than spend time around someone who thinks that my personality is by its very nature unattractive. Also, in my defense – he didn’t even see the tip of the iceberg of my assholeishness. I wrote that mean blog post about him, and in a fit of mercy I took it down because that’s the type of caring, generous person I am. So, if he couldn’t handle me at my very nicest, he wasn’t going to be able to handle me when I started to get comfortable around him.

So, in response to his comment that I couldn’t “be an asshole just because I’m attractive” – well, buddy, welcome to the real world, because fuck yeah I can do that. I can be as much of an asshole as I want, and it has nothing to do with whether or not I’m hot or smart or funny. It’s just who I am. As a person. Love it or leave it. Or, rather, love it or else I’m going to fucking leave you. Which I did. I left him.

Cheers, everybody! Happy quarantining! I love and miss all of you ❤

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