There’s nothing quite like having your entire life flipped upside down to elicit some really bizarre, new anxiety coping mechanisms. Seeing as I suddenly have tons of time on my hands, I’m not surprised that things are starting to get a bit weird. Sure, there are plenty of people who are using their newfound free time to ‘become a better person’ or whatever that means, but I rue the capitalist undertones of using my time to be ‘more productive’ or ‘find my value’ in a rapidly changing economy. Sure, I’ll probably start working on my novel again soon. Maybe look into online freelance writing because, fuck it. But that hasn’t happened yet because I’ve been spending all my free time trying to cope with my anxiety and the looming sense of doom and gloom. Which isn’t very exciting or sexy, but it’s gotta get done. I wonder what the long term effects of this will be on my mental health, which was never very fantastic to begin with. Sure, I get to work out every day, which is nice because my goal is to get cut the fuck up by the time I come out of quarantine, but I’ve also noticed that this, perhaps, is just a fun, new way that my body dysmorphia is presenting itself. Seeing as I’m having anxiety about going to the grocery store – since grocery stores are hella crowded, making them hotbeds for infection, and also my anxiety about my financial future has made reticent to spend money on absolutely anything – this is going hand in hand with my body dysmorphia, and I just don’t really eat that much anymore. It comes and goes, but it’s easy to just starve myself nowadays, something which I refer to as my newborn ‘coronarexia.’ So, that’s been cool. I haven’t been drinking up a storm like I thought I would, but who knows, these wild coping mechanisms are sure to mutate over time. I’m not at the point where I’m begging for any sort of attention on the Internet, but when that does happen I noticed that Chat Roulette is still an active website, so I’m gonna stick that one in my back pocket for the time being.
In the meantime, I would just like to state for the record that, no, I don’t plan on contributing to a society which is currently crumbling before my eyes, I just plan on being myself and doing the same shit that I always do, because I’m an actualized person so the things I care about now are the things that I have always cared about and will always care about: the people I love, writing shit, and beauty in every form. I’m not going to come out of this a changed person (that is, on an emotional level – on a physical level, I plan on being unrecognizably hot), I’m going to come out of this more myself.