And then there is the lightness. Which came suddenly. Perhaps too quickly. Too quickly to be real, but I embrace it nonetheless. This sense that the future is coming, and it will be okay. Which is a new feeling. One that I haven’t felt in a long time. For the past year, or is it years?, the future has been out of grasp, beyond my touch. Harrowing and unimaginable. But today? Today I can see it. Today I can run. Instead of hobbling forward, I am ready for the challenges ahead of me. I have a plan, one that isn’t shaped around someone else’s failures or misgivings. Me. My plan.
I wonder which one is better: knowing that the future is bright but not knowing if I’ll be alone throughout all of it. Or not being alone but also being terrified of the future because together we had no future. I guess I’d rather keep my options open. Rather than commit to living in constant chaos and uncertainty. I can be alone for now and know that I can build something beautiful for myself.
I’m feeling impatient. I want my beautiful future now. Today. I want to be healthier and prettier and skinnier and richer now. I want to be better off already so I can plaster it across the backs of everyone’s minds already. I want to look down from my high castle of myself and feel like I’m floating away into heaven, with nothing to hold me down. Which also means that I want to see the people I love fail – but, no. Not that. I want all of us to float into heaven together, unfettered from the things that keep us in this hell.
Come with me. Why didn’t you want to come with me?