The loneliness is already crushing me. The terror is creeping in. What have I done? Why did I do that? Is this the biggest mistake of my life?
It’s not the biggest mistake of my life. I let go of something I never had because I would have had to let go eventually. I couldn’t keep hanging on to something that was always slipping away. Too treacherous. Too dangerous. So now. Let’s do this now.
It was time to let go of something that didn’t fulfill me but that got close enough to make me think it could. Something that showed up just often enough for me to think it was meaningful without ever committing to being meaningful. Something that felt good enough to tide me over in moments of crisis without any guarantee of lasting one moment longer than I needed it to.
Is that just love. Have I forgone the option to have something perfect. Should I have settled for something that was amazing part of the time and stultifying the rest of the time. Should I have sucked it up in the name of love. Should I have taken less than what I wanted so that I wouldn’t have to feel lonely today. What is less painful – looking for something that I don’t know is out there or dedicating myself to years of something that falls shy of what I want.
I know that this time it’s final. For now. Which is fine. I’ll get through this.
Oh to be loved, to be loved, to be loved. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced, and I can’t wait to it again. To do it better.
