r u experienced

In this week’s edition of “Trends in Codependency,” I’ve noticed a rather interesting phenomena among several of my friends. Mind you, all my friends are like me: sexually affluent party girls with pretty faces and no desire to work whatsoever. Sure, we’re aging out of the “fucking in the bathroom” phase and gracefully gliding into our “respectable boyfriends that we fuck in a really disrespectful manner.” (And by “we,” I mean my other friends. Not me. I don’t do that. I still date/fuck scum bags exclusively. But not in bathrooms anymore.)

But over the past week, I’ve realized that the “respectable boyfriends” that my friends were so eager to lock down are not nearly as respectable or honorable as we all thought they were in the first place. I guess there’s something to be said for “opposites attract.” My friends tend to check the “manic pixie dream girl” box pretty aggressively, and all sorts of day ones and rubes and losers are attracted to that. Over time, we’ve learned how to weed out the broke ones, but as I’m observing my friends’ relationships, I’ve come to learn: there are still men out there who have little to no sexual experience whatsoever. Or, only compared to some.

What I’m saying is: my very sexually experienced friends have found themselves in situations where there older, well off boyfriends start to resent the fact that they are sexually less experienced. Oof, it is hard to watch. I guess this is why I’ve never personally liked dating men like that: I don’t need some microaggression, back door (but not in an anal sex way) slut shaming. I hate the idea that a man who made all the “right decisions” in his life would look at me and my free wheeling sexual ways and resent me when in all honesty the idea of a well paying job and financial stability and overall life security seem so fucking amazing. Because what’s the trade off here? What is he really saying by being jealous of my sexual experience at the cost of professional success?

It’s fucking rude. Also, I hate the way men like that act with their money. Always so grubby. Acting like they can’t afford to pay a phone bill or pick up the check at dinner two or three times a week. Bitch, please. These are the same men who act like they’re too high and mighty to pay a sex worker for her services because he should be able to “get it for free” but then he complains about being sexually inexperienced. Well, hello, you didn’t invest anything into your sexual experiences. You’re just out here, dating my friends, and being as basic as you can possibly be. Stop it.

It’s exhausting to hear my friends talk about their boyfriends like this. Their boyfriends expect them to be their sexual chauffeur through the world of sluttery, and it’s just like, yo, we all did that years ago and it’s not very interesting or very fulfilling, and it’s not our fault that it didn’t occur to you to fuck people when you were younger, and we’re mature enough to want love and lasting relationships now, so enough with the insecurities and can I please get some god damn respect, please? I’ve dated enough men like that to fully resent it by now, which is probably why I find myself rubbing elbows and/or genitals with the more sexually affluent men among us because I enjoy fucking like adults as opposed to hand holding some older, richer man through his first time at a sex life. It’s just awkward.

I’ve come to realize that men who are not sexually experienced are fundamentally different from me. They think differently, they approach life differently, their values are different. We’ll just never get along because when I was a teenager I decided to do whatever the fuck I wanted and live life however I wanted, and they did…I guess they did what their parents/society told them to do, and I just can’t relate. I’ve never been very invested in being a cog in the capitalist system, but I’m here, so I gotta make do. Men like that? Eiw, they’re so indebted to capitalism, it’s gross. It’s a boner killer.

I just wanna get dirt nasty with some dude who knows how to slang dick and won’t be weird to me about it after. It’d be nice if he bought me things, but, eh, I’ve reached the point in my life where I buy myself nice things. I want to share an experience with my partner. I don’t want to be the experience that my partner is having.

Anyways, isn’t feminism great? We don’t have to rely on the social structure that dictates that men make all the money. Women can make money, too, and we can put our career first, or not, or fuck a lot, or not, and men who are crushed under the false morality of conforming to society or doing what they want can just…leave me the fuck alone, please.

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