Dominant Men & Dominant Women

I was on a date with a man who can only be described as incredibly intelligent and incredibly successful when he dropped the line, “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t trying to be too dominant.”

“What!” I perked up. “I love dominance.”

I couldn’t help but think: damn, he has totally misread this entire situation. He had been fumbling with his phone, trying to pull up the QR code for the movie tickets, and I had been standing by, idly. What he had clocked as unwarranted dominance hadn’t even registered as anything with me.

Perhaps it was ironic, given that we had been discussing feminism at length a few moments earlier. I have a lot to say about the feminist movement in its current iteration, more than I feel like disclosing here, but suffice it to say there are a few tactics and cultural shifts that I really, really disagree with. That being said, I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t want to use any platform to challenge the feminist movement because, well, what’s good for the goose is good for the goose. We haven’t reached a point of “the feminist movement is so deeply problematic that I feel compelled to say something,” so I’m going to keep my thoughts to myself for now and see how all this pans out because it’s probably going to pan out in a way that benefits me without hurting anyone else.

With that in mind, I realize that there’s a current cultural delusion about what it means to be attracted to a woman who is identified by her peers as a feminist, or even just a “strong woman.” The coupling of dominant-submissive is quite classic, and the assumption seems to be that a dominant woman wants a submissive man who will tend to her needs, take care of her, and let her be top dog. This is what I think my date picked up on in our discussion about feminism.

But I’m not like that. Sure, a lot of my friends are like that. But not me.

I’m a confident person who responds positively to confidence in other people. I’m a powerful person who is attracted to other powerful people. I’m a dominant person who likes to be around other dominant people. I want to be with someone who will sit with me at the table. I don’t need a lackey. I don’t need a mentor. I need an equal. A partner in crime. I’m looking for someone who compliments me, who makes me better, who will pull me up when I feel weak. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not looking for someone whose back I can walk upon. I’m looking for someone who will fight alongside me in the blood of the battlefield. Kings do not apologize for their strengths.

No, I do not want to be ruled by men. But I don’t want to rule them, either. I just want to be free, together.

 

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