I was kicking it with my legacy best friend the other night. We’ve been friends for almost ten years now, and if you’re wondering what we were like when we were 21, I’ll let you know that it was exactly as debaucherous and chaotic as you’d think it would be for two hot, young Bay Area girls. However, we’re getting older now, and as we sat in the back of Ruby Room one thing became blatantly obvious: we’re changing.
I was already drunk at 10pm, sipping on expensive whiskey that my sugar daddy had bought for me, and she was calmly sipping her beer as her boyfriend stayed locked to her side. She told me about the new job she was getting – it sounded not too fun, but it’s the right thing for the new career path (which is in no way party related). As I sat there, listening, it occurred to me: we started out in the same place ten years ago, but now we’re going to separate places.
Of course I’m happy for my friend and her new boyfriend who she’ll probably marry and have kids with in five years, and I’m happy that she’s pursuing a career. Of course, I’m also pretty angry for no particular reason, but mostly it’s because…I think we’re growing apart.
Sure, I look at her big, shiny, new life decisions, and part of me is like, “Why the fuck would she do that?” But then I remember: we’re separate people, and the things that will make her happy aren’t the things that would make me happy. I guess I’m just not used to the fact that she’s changed, and we don’t agree on everything all the time anymore.
I’m also insecure about the fact that she’s making all this adult decisions while I’m still festering in the same old lifestyle I’ve been living since I was 16. I realize that I’m still doing the same things I did at 16 that I do at 31. So, this definitely isn’t a phase for me. I’ll always love liquor, and dive bars, and nasty sex, and slutty outfits, and rap music. I’m in this until the day I die, and even as I pull back a little bit, I’ll still always be here. Watching someone who was my companion in chaos check out of the scene is heart breaking because does that mean that I’m too old to be here? That this is just kid shit? Is this arrested development? Or can I point my finger at her and say that she wasn’t really committed to the chaos, she was just a tourist of sorts. There was to be a way that I can process this without being mean about it to her or to myself. But right now I only feel one way about it: scared of change.
Or maybe I’m afraid that it means that I might be losing her. Maybe it has nothing to do with passing judgment on my weekend hobbies and has everything to do with the fact that if she’s living that life and I’m living this one, maybe our friendship doesn’t make as much sense as it used to. Or, maybe the change will be so severe that I’ll get lost in the shuffle. Maybe she’ll abandon me for her boyfriend and her career and her future kids. And I’ll be stuck here, in the back of Ruby Room, drinking whiskey forever.
What if I was the phase? Just another person that was cool to kick it with before life got serious. Easy to discard as soon as it was time to get to work and live a real life.
Nah, fuck that. I’m not disposable, and neither is she. After all those years, we’re allowed to change, we’re allowed to grow apart, we’re allowed to come back together. We’re allowed to be happy in different ways and in different places. But friendship, especially our friendship, is stronger than that.
Come what may, I’ll always be your friend.