I text because my friends say he would be good for me, and I love my friends, so I heed their advice. Even though I don’t know why I’m supposed to aspire to the social monolith of wanting to get married and have kids and have a good job. I thought that I had nestled myself into the alternative youth culture of what used to be a pretty grimy downtown Oakland bar scene so that I could avoid the platitudes of white hetero normalcy. But perhaps there’s a universal truth the the marriage and the kids and the job. They are themes that are pervasive throughout humanity, but I’d like to think that they’re not an absolute, and if I decide to shirk my responsibility to perform as a human being – everything will be okay, regardless.
I’d rather sink into the ocean and be a starfish than wake up another day and have to do something I don’t really believe in. Sure, this whole “buying whatever I want” thing has been pretty trill, but I am always paying a higher price than I would really like to. Instead, I’d rather look at the window and drift into the starscape or sit naked with you than dress up in all these pretty things that I’ve been accumulating for the past several years. Naked with you is so much better than dressed up in the commonplace trappings of our capitalist society. But I haven’t found a great way to escape, so I’ll sit here and wait for everything to rot so I can slink away into some shiny cave with you.
He texts me back, and I peer into a future that is more of the same, except according to someone it would be better with him. I don’t know if I have the energy to be like this for the rest of my life, unless, of course, my life is short, then I think I could do this for another five years with someone who doesn’t really want to love me and doesn’t really want to touch me. I have done enough of that for a lifetime, but for some reason we are all very complacent in this long standing, mutual distance we have cultivated amongst ourselves.
I think I would like to be close to one person forever than wade through this swamp of lonely people for another day. I would like to be truly close to just one other person, in poverty and precarity forever, than to be the most beautiful girl all alone in this world. I don’t think that ascribing marriage and kids and a career to my life goals is going to impact which way the pendulum swings on this binary of fates, but freedom doesn’t seem to come with the financial burdens of the modern world.
This is okay. This is manageable. I think I can swim against this tide for a little bit longer before I drown in agony or bliss, but so long as I drown eventually, I think I’ll be okay. Swimming in an ocean of people who don’t love me has become exhausting. I surrender to the decay of myself in the midst of all this misery so long as I am guaranteed one last chance to know what love is, on the precipice of death, with you, in the middle of the ocean.