We’re sitting at the bar, and we’re having a drink, and I can tell in my periphery that people I know professionally are buzzing around us like flies. He’s leaning into me, not in the way that two friends get a drink at the bar, but in the way that we are going to fuck later tonight.
I pull back just a little bit, because I’m an asshole like that, and it occurs to me as though acquaintance rifle around in the background that maybe I don’t want to lean in closer or let him kiss me. They might see.
I immediately feel guilty for thinking like this. Perhaps it’s reflexive – I spent so many years fretting over the fact that I might not be hot enough, or cool enough, or good enough, or popular enough for whichever boy it was that had my fancy at the moment. But now, at 31, dressed to the nines and knowing everyone in this bar, I’ve come to realize: there really isn’t anyone I can think of that I am not hot enough, cool enough, good enough or popular enough to fuck. In fact, I might be too hot, or too cool, or too good, or too popular to fuck some these guys I drag around from bar to bar. Which is presenting a problem in my dating lief because now that the tables have turned: is he good enough for me?
What if these people I know in a cursory social manner see me with him, and he isn’t hot enough for me. I try not to clench my teeth as I think about some other, mystery man who is super hot and would make an excellent trophy boyfriend for me here at the bar. Would I look better with someone else? Maybe I should just take him home and fuck him in peace without the rest of the world watching me. Is the world watching me? Probably not, but just in case the world still pays attention to who I fuck, I’d like to put on a good show. In fact, I’d like to put on the best show I am capable of. And I don’t know if the people at the bar playing a porno in their head starring me and him. But I would like them to.
I make him pay for my drinks, and I meander out into the street alone. I’m not quite sure who the world wants to see me fuck, and while I know I should be more concerned about figuring out who it is that I want to fuck, I’ll admit that the world’s opinion of who I fuck matters very much to me. I need to fuck the hottest person in the room. Or I’m not fucking anyone at all.