#MeToo Era Dating Guidelines

I was hanging out with this guy who told me that he was tentative about kicking it with me because he knew that I was part of the #metoo movement. Or, more specifically, that I had been involved with the outing of Charlie Hallowell and the subsequent lawsuit. While part of me felt like, “Damn,” another part of me realized, “Fantastic!” This is a theme I have been seeing pop on social media more and more frequently: men claiming that they are afraid to go on dates with women for fear of accusations of sexual harassment and rape. I honestly don’t really care too much about these men who claim that their dating confidence has vanished in the face of gender equality, and I really agree with the response that, hey, maybe you should learn more about things like consent, social decorum, and communication in order to avoid sexually harassing someone. The fact of the matter is: the human race continues to thrive and dominate this planet, which is the result of couples successfully dating, marrying, procreating, etc., so this male hysteria is clearly unwarranted and reactionary. But! I also realized: damn, I get all the power here don’t I?

Growing up, most of us were taught that the man makes the first move, and the woman is coy and demure. The man pursues the woman, and the woman rejects or accepts his advances. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line men became absolute psychos about rejection and hence a culture of violence against women blossomed. (Or something like that.) But now that we’re fighting the culture of violence against women, I see that men feel cut off at the knees when it comes to dating. I just want to say: I hear you, homeboy.

Given that men are now totally insecure about their role in dating culture, I am happy to announce that I will gladly call all the shots in my dating life. Don’t worry, boys, gone are the days of you approaching me for a date and fearing rejection, because, yeah, I’m kinda picky and like 90% of you got rejected. I have no problem making the first move, and the second move, and the third move. I am quite content with all you boys sitting demurely on the sidelines, waiting to get tapped in by a woman. This totally eliminates the problem of men being creepy, and I am cool with that! So, I just wanted to let all you boys out there know, it’s okay that you don’t feel safe approaching women for dates. We will fix that for you. Continue to sit on the sidelines and not talk to us unless we approach you. That is a great remedy for the problem at hand.

And, ladies: go get that dating power. Let those men know that you’re the one who approaches them now. Keep those boys in line. Our turn.

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