One of the reasons I had been struggling with writing was because I had been struggling with being honest with myself. About a lot of things, really. I have set myself on a path to more conventional success these days, which felt at odds with my wild youth ethos, but also there were certain aspects of my personality and my history that I was starting to feel very eager about hiding. It seemed easy to pretend that they weren’t there, but that presented a bit of an internal schism, which just isn’t good for writing. Ah, the path to self acceptance. I don’t know if I was pretending to be someone else and failed, or if I’ve just learned the lesson of being someone else because that’s where my circumstances put me, and now I’m just in a happy medium. I mean, yeah, I made it, my life is way different, and I, by definition, am different, too.
I looked around at the people with whom I was rubbing elbows, and I realized there were certain things that we didn’t have in common. That we would never have in common. So I pretended that those weren’t my experiences, and that I had arrived here through some form of emotional deletion. Even though everything I am trying to delete has been literally splayed out across in the Internet in 2,637 (mostly original) blog posts over six years. This makes me laugh. It’s so easy for me to pretend none of that happened even though every moment of every day has been documented, and if anybody gave half a shit about any of that it is pretty easily accessible through a quick google search.
Why the fuck did I stop writing. That’s the biggest con job I have ever done to myself – to let myself think that I shouldn’t be writing. I mean, there was a bigger monster in the room who told me that I should stop writing, and I loved him more than I loved myself, so I guess that’s why I stopped writing. But he’s gone, for now, at least, so back to the pen it is.
God, all I want to do is write. When do I get to quit reality and live in a world of words. I’m ready to feel wonderment again. The strangeness no longer feels like pain, but I am curious and I adore that curiosity.