Fire Signs

I hope you get your anger problems under control

Sigh. Another break up text from the exact same person I’ve been breaking up with for years. I know what this is supposed to mean, I know what this text is supposed to do. After years of “loving” each other, he knows how to make me second guess myself. He knows how to make me insecure. He’s an expert at this, really, and This is the reason we’re breaking up. I don’t think we can do this to each other anymore.

My  anger problems. Hah. Yes, of course, it pisses me off that he said that, but, then again, I’m also plunging myself into a fruitless self examination of my anger problems at this very moment. Because, well, I guess that’s what love does to you, right? I wish that he hadn’t said that just to jab at me. Even if I sit here forever and try to fix these so called anger problems, the fact that he’s saying this in anger somewhat invalidates his charge.

But I’m also confused. My anger problems. Hm. Okay, fine, I’ll admit, I have a temper, and it’s not always sexy, but sometimes it’s sexy. I mean, isn’t that part of my passion? Isn’t that part of who I really am? On a good day, my anger problems manifest as something somewhat sparkly and scintillating. The fire in my anger is the same fire that fuels my love, and for me to sit here and try to figure out how to extinguish that fire feels self destructive.  Really, I should be figuring out how I can surround myself with people who inspire the goodness inside me rather than inspire fits of rage and screaming.

Yes, I have anger problems. I’m aware that as a woman I am not supposed to have anger problems and everything that entails. I am not supposed to speak up for myself and state what’s wrong and fight for myself. I’m just supposed to sit here and take it, right?

Oh, god, how long have I been sitting here and taking it. I realize that there’s a line somewhere between standing up for myself and hurting other people with my valiant sense of self preservation. Those things don’t always have to overlap, but sometimes they do, and I guess that’s the magical question: what’s more important, standing up for myself or not hurting other people? I tend to like to stand up for myself, and I do it vociferously. Hence the accusations of anger problems.

I regret hurting him. But I also don’t think that it was wholly unavoidable. I know that the chemistry of me plus him is incredibly fucking volatile. I will always be doing something that hurts him. He will always be doing something that hurts me.

Therefore: break up.

I realize I haven’t been writing as much lately because of him. I guess I was trying to fix the underlying issue of my anger problems: that flame inside me. That was a mistake. I mean, sure, I wanted love to work out, I’m an optimist like that. But fuck it. I’m going to throw my love for myself into myself like gasoline on a flame. Let this shit burn.

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