Traipsing between two worlds, as usual. Trying not to feel torn, but definitely not feeling mended. Somebody else’s expectations loom. Or, rather, everybody else’s expectations loom. It is impossible to please, and people who like to spew out vapid aphorisms might remind me that “You can’t please everyone.” But they forget to acknowledge that I would like to please everyone. That would make me feel good – to have no enemies, to be loved by all. Really, they should say, “Everybody hates somebody – doesn’t it feel good to be somebody?”
To be more specific (and, my apologies for being vague): the rift is many things. It is ethnic, it is cultural, it is class, it is professional, it is social. The line is drawn down the middle of everything about me. To the left, a world of chaos. To the right, some law and order. It’s a metaphor I embrace fondly when I need to explain away my human nature and the ensuing hypocrisies that I act out daily. I am large, I contain multitudes. I am a woman, please no fat jokes.
I would like to think that the schism between these parts of me are breachable rather than cataclysmic. I try to think of the duality within me as a strategy rather than a weakness. This is a hard thing to do when you live in a world of moral absolutes and ethnic purity. Everyone is riding around on a high horse, and, well, this has nothing to do with my inner duality, but I would just like to state for the record that I am perfectly content with being down low in the gutter with the rest of my friends.
But, quickly, before I get off topic. I am coming to accept that I have an inner complexity that cannot be expressed in 280 characters. My opinions don’t make sense on comment threads or message boards. My appeal and my charm are diluted when drowned in the sea of everyone else on the Internet. I don’t really make sense there.
I have come here to please no one other than myself. Anyone who is like me or who likes me will be happy with the results, and everyone else can scream into the ether as much as they want – I will not be around to hear it. I am aware of the public square and the judgment being dealt here – I have come here not to participate but to sell everyone their own venom back to them. I have no interest in the outcome, merely in the perpetuation of commotion.
I am aware that this moral ambiguity is sickening. I have no qualms with it. I am both lover and hater, sinner and saint, fighter and pacifist. I am at the whim of my own service, and to be me is to love me, so, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say. You can’t please everyone, and it displeases me that you aren’t pleased with me, so carry on with your charade while I slink to the back and do whatever I please.