The Dick Pic Epidemic Is A Fucking Myth

I’ve been pretty proud of myself lately for exercising all the restraint and self control. Really, it’s somewhat boring, but there are extenuating circumstances that have inspired me to address some immediate problems rather than burying myself in toxic coping mechanisms.

My current shitty mental state aside, the one thing that I will admit to enjoying every now and then is a good, old fashioned dick pic. I’m a classic straight person, and I just love looking at dicks. I’m not really sure why – they’re kinda funny looking but also very cute, like armadillos. There’s also something thrilling about the mutual exchange of genitalia on the Internet – it’s our pseudo-neo-intimacy, and I like it.

However, I have noticed that *some people* are very reticent about sending me pictures of their dicks. Which pisses me off. I think it’s so strange that a guy would make it clear to me that he wants to put his dick in my mouth but won’t let me look at first, or after. Like, ugh, you want to engage in oral sex but I don’t get to assess what I’m working with first? Or even after the deed is done?

If you paid attention to the media at all, this revelation probably comes as a surprise. The “fake news” would have you believing that dick pics are going viral, straight from one camera roll to another text message inbox. But that’s wrong! I don’t really know who is responsible for this supposed deluge of dick pics, but I think that numbers are probably very skewed here. I bet that there’s a small population of men sending a mass amount of dick pics, but their reach is far enough to make it seem like every average guy is just fiddling around with his dick in the coffee shop bathroom and snapping pics for the world to see.

This simply is not the case.

Alas, this is me, butting heads yet again with today’s stereotypes of masculinity. I thought that every dude was obsessively in love with his own dick, and that love would translate into sending me pictures of his dick whenever I ask for them. No! I am disappointed, yet again!

At first I thought that it might be a trust issue thing. Yeah, I get it, it’s pretty obvious that I’m amassing a collection of the prettiest dicks out there for my own amusement, and also the amusement of my friends to whom I show your dick pics. No, I’m not going to revenge-porn you or anything, I’m just a dick aficionado.

On the other hand, I realized, maybe all guys aren’t obsessively in love with their own dicks. Maybe men aren’t at all like who I thought they were. Maybe men don’t stare at their dicks in the mirrors and jack off every day and take pictures of their dicks for sport. (This makes things a little weird, because we all know that’s what I do with my pussy, but I’ve written a million blog posts about that, so, moving on…) Maybe some of these guys who I know for a fact have very pretty dicks aren’t actually in love with their dicks like that.

Which brings me back to the same thing I’ve always been harping on: dudes, if this is not your sexuality, why do you let the media make you look like this? It’s so misleading.

In the meantime, all you fucking freaks out there, send me some dicks!

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