The big beast of depression is knocking on my door again. I have opened up the door, and the largeness of darkness has come in. It is consuming me, just like it always does. And I am lying here, in the night, waiting for it to pass.
I have been here before, beneath my demons which press on my chest and scald my skin. I have survived this before. I can live through this. The visceral pain, which is breaking my back. The heaviness of these emotions like torrents that weigh me down as I try to drag myself from this bed. I can barely move. I can barely breathe. Hours pass, and all I can do is sit here. In darkness.
I try to remember how I got out of this tangle of sin and shame last time. I try to remember how I got here in the first place, the big mistakes I made that crippled me and cut me down at the knee. What am I doing that is constantly wrong? What can I do that is constantly right?
I weep often these days. Some days I am walking down the street and this sense of dizziness snatches me from reality and I stop remembering who I am or where I am. I am sick a lot. I am a long list of symptoms with no underlying cause. I can’t tell if I should have another drink or if it’s time to go home and be alone. My check list of solutions is all crossed out – I have tried every vice and every virtue as a potential salvation, yet here I am. No choices I make can budge the beast of depression, which sits on my chest and smokes cigarettes while I lie here and writhe in agony. This beast will always be with me.
I used to fight. I lie here, gasping for breath in the din of my depression, and I try to force myself to remember what it looked like when I was better. When my life was better. Try to remember, little baby, what it was that saved you. How can I sucker punch my way out of this debacle when my arms are numb and my vision is fading. I am succumbing so much more in every second than I ever was before. I am wasting away. I am vanishing into the ether, a molecule of vapor among all the other molecules of wetness and dolor. I am losing this battle. I have already lost just by being here.