More Musings On Falling In Love

My ex taught me how to manufacture the feeling of falling in love for other people, so whenever it starts to happen to me it feels so fucking scary. It’s strange, because people like me are the reason I don’t want to fall in love. Because there are books out there that people can read about how to flirt and smile, how to seduce and fuck, how to say the right things at the right time in order to elicit those warm fuzzies. For us, it’s all about money.

Being able to synthesize romance is a cruel fate. It’s not that I’m a natural. I just read about it in books and watched the master work his charms. It’s strange to be able to lead people down a path of romance that is in no way real – yet they are so willing and so eager to be roped into the con job. So when it becomes my turn to fall in love with someone else – I am so fucking skeptical. Which makes me sad, because I would like to believe in the goodness of other people. Unfortunately, I know myself too well to trust that other people are not secretly just like me.

Being fake in love with someone just to stave off the loneliness of knowing that you might never fall in love is a pretty interesting experience. It’s like what many women feel sexually – having sex that feels really good but then never cumming. I would say that it’s a let down, but the fact of the matter is: it still feels good, even if this isn’t what it’s supposed to be like. Even though I know it’s supposed to be way better. I am still enjoying myself, and I guess I feel good knowing that the other party gets to cum or fall in love. But I am also definitely jealous, and that won’t end well, will it?

Slut shamers always like to claim that promiscuous people become less capable of love the more people they fuck. The above admissions aren’t meant to validate that claim. Instead, I believe that by fucking a lot of people I have been able to fine tune my ability to get to know, understand and love other people. However, falling in love still feels like a game of random chance that can’t be faked or substituted. Sleeping around doesn’t increase your likelihood of falling in love, but it does increase your likelihood of sleeping with someone you’re not in love with. “Love” and “in love” are very different things.

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